Cool, soft air
blew a piece of hair across my face, and I looked around, eyes traveling from
the gray and distant mountains to the water sliding and rushing along the black
sand in front of me.
A delicate tinge
of yellow and orange showed above the mountain ridge, and I sighed, the
exhalation sharp and hard enough to startle a nearby bird. It emitted another
scream and launched itself into the air, wings beating in a rhythmic whump,
whump, whump.
I rubbed water
off my face with the back of my hand, salt and dirt hitting my tongue. Then I
started to stand, the breeze growing stronger—and suddenly my throat
constricted, lungs refusing to take in any more air. I fell back and gagged,
wondering what on this planet could smell so awful.
I reached out
and drew a finger through the sand. The pattern I left glowed for just second,
leaving a pale afterimage when I closed my eyes.
The smell receded,
thanks to the charm, and I breathed again. I turned, and saw a brown lump on
the ground a few meters away.
It looked like a
synbatec egg.
I knew this was
their home planet, and I knew they bred on the sand. But I’d only heard of them
in hidden files my mentor didn’t know I could access, watched one hatching in a
vid—the dark creature inside had been ugly and fascinating.
“Tacise!”
I turned, and
saw my mentor storming toward me.
“Did you touch
it?”
“No, why—“
He grabs my arm.
“Because synbatecs kill the nearest living thing when they hatch.”
(299 words)
**********
About this challenge:
- that it’s morning (check)
- that a man or a woman (or both) is at the beach (check)
- that the MC (main character) is bored (check)
- that something stinks behind where he/she is sitting (check)
- that something surprising happens (check)
Just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: "synbatec," "wastopaneer," and "tacise." (NB. these words are completely made up and are not intended to have any meaning other than the one you give them).
I didn't use "wastopaneer" . . . I couldn't really think of a way to get it in there and still sound natural.
**********
What do you think? How'd I do on the "show not tell"?
And if you enjoyed my entry, you can vote for it HERE: I'm #95 in the Linky List, under The Eagle's Aerial Perspective. Just click the "like" button below my link.
-----The Golden Eagle
33 comments:
Oh, this is awesome. Really one of the best I've read. I remember your 1st challenge one, and it seems like it might be from the same story? Either way, I want to know more about the world you've created.
I know I can always count on an excellent piece of science fiction whenever I come to look at your entries. And you did not disappoint!
Once again, great job! :)
This is such a refreshingly different take on the prompt. You've done a great job!
(My entry at no.#47)
Oooops!! LOL! Awww great story - loved the ending - loved how you lulled me into this false sense of security only to hit me with that last line! Yay!!
Well done you! take care
x
Loved your descriptions, so vivid! I think you also did a great job with working in the fake words. I couldn't manage it in mine. :P (We're not on the linky because we're not Campaigners, but we wanted to give this challenge a go anyway.)
Also, congrats on finishing your WIP yesterday!
Wow, I really like this one! Great use of the words & I def want to read more! ; )
Oooh how interesting! Makes me want to know more about those creatures haha.
Great job! I'm worried about what is coming next.
I absolutely love the ending!
Nicely done. It flowed well and the words worked. Mine is #56
Very cool! Is this finished yet?
Very well done. I was able to follow every bit of her waking. A loved your take on the synbatec word. I like new creatures :)
I'm not in the challenge; but I've been enjoying reading the excerpts as I click around the blogs. This was a fascinating challenge, and you really rocked it.
........dhole
Very scary!! Hope the Synbatec doesn't get her! Great job :)
I'm entry #5
You did an excellent job at showing your story. Great entry!
I love the bit about synbatecs killing the nearest living thing when they hatch. Very creepy!
Mine is #25.
Love your different take, very original!
Yep, an intriguing world. I can always count on you to leave me wanting more :-)
Nice story. You did a great job on showing and not telling!
Well done. I have to admit the "synbetic" threw me off at first. I think I read it as synthetic"
Jenny: Thank you so much! :)
I hadn't thought of that connection--though I could see the two characters meeting somewhere.
David: Thanks! :D Though I had been thinking of this as Fantasy, since she used magic.
MISH: Thank you! :)
Old Kitty: Major oops, if she stays there long enough. :P
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Krispy: Thank you!
Your entry was awesome. :)
Thanks!
Sheri: I'm glad you like it!
That 20 Something Virgin: What might want to kill you intrigues, doesn't it? :P
Angela: Thanks!
Might just have to write some more sometime to find out . . .
Southpaw: Glad you enjoyed it. :)
Bridget: Thank you!
Shelly: It's just flash fiction; there isn't much of a story attached to it, other than what's written here. I might expand on it sometime, though. :)
Donna: Thank you so much!
Me, too. Mostly why I introduced the synbatecs. :)
Jess: I hope it doesn't, too. LOL.
Thanks!
Mel: Thank you!
Jen: I guess I was in a creepy mood when I wrote it. :P
Stuart: Thanks. :)
Rachael really threw the Campaigners a wild card with those words . . . though it was fun to try to use them!
Joanna: I'm glad you liked it!
Sarah: Thanks! :D
Josh: Thank you! :)
Charles: Thanks! I did the same thing with the words Rachael set for the challenge; they're so random.
That was fabulous! I love the strangeness and the tension. The surprise at the ending was great. Bravo!
great job, i like beaches on other planets! far out =)
Nice work, Eagle! It's a good thing the mentor showed up. :D
Oh, I love the charm and the twist with the egg hatching. Good job!
Christine: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
Tara: LOL. Thanks!
Carrie: I guess so. :P Might have ended badly otherwise . . .
Michelle: Thank you. :)
Great imagery! This feels like it was plucked right out of a finished novel.
Wow! very cool, love the twist at the end. Thanks for stopping by.
Great entry! Love the way you worked those made-up words in--they completely sounded plausible. And Tacise is actually a pretty cool name. Great job!
Nicely done, a fine bit of writing. Voted.
mood
Great approach to the challenge. Well written as always, and I love that you didn't try to force wastopaneer into the piece.
Poewin: Thank you!
Thepatientdreamer: I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I really enjoyed reading your entry. :)
Julie: Thanks!
I wasn't quite sure how the name would come across--glad you liked it.
Mooderino: Thank you! :)
K.T.: Thanks! I'm glad you liked my entry.
I didn't think it would work very well with the world I created. :P
I love how you turned this into a powerful fantasy piece. It's extremely well structured for something so short - feels like it tells a complete story. Definitely one of my favorites. Just wanted to let you know that you've moved on to the second phase of judging!
Annalise: Thank you!
That's completely made my day. :)
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