DIY: Crop Circles For The Designing Alien

(Copied from The Alien's Handbook to Life's Greatest Activities--Seventh Edition)

Crop circles are easy for the designing alien who wants a new hobby in their life! They are an attractive addition to an otherwise-boring planet, because believe me, there's positively nothing as gorgeous as seeing a 780-foot circle on some human's property.


What You'll Need For the Crop-Circle Biz:


A) A Deep-Nucleic-Fryer

   This is for getting the crop to go where you want it to!

   NOTE: Preferably with a IN-Ship-Cooking accessory--if you're going to get rid of the crop for the pattern, you may as well eat it afterwards!

B) A Guiding-Ray Beamer

   This is to keep your crop-circle path neat and orderly! You don't want to look like . . . well, like an alien decided to make a really bad crop-circle. You want EPICNESS, if you'd like to use that human phrase. Random lines are not EPICNESS.

C) A field.

   You can't very well go and do one in a city, can you? Be sure to find one out in the countryside! And do avoid Central Park in NYC. The last alien who tried it ended up looking like a--well, you get the picture.


How To Create A Splendiferous Crop Circle:


I am assuming you're doing this at night. If you do it during the day you'll end up with a lot of annoying fighter jets trying to track you down and take you in. It's a darn nuisance, plus you'll be the laughingstock of the alien world for centuries.

A) Please turn to Electronic Page 1,234,689 of your Alien's Handbook and select a pattern.

B) Avoid those brown or black-and-white things that are occasionally in the fields. They are ALIVE. Let's not violate alien-human charters, shall we?

   NOTE: If you happen to be blind (in which case you really should not be doing this) or happen to be remarkably reckless (AKA dumb) and your Deep-Nucleic-Fryer hits one of those brown/b&w things . . . get out. FAST.

C) Set up your Deep-Nucleic-Fryer and Guiding-Ray Beamer. Insert pattern.

   WARNING: Please make sure the Beamer-thinger is pointed AT THE FIELD. Not at you. That would be bad. It's worse than an extremely painful tattoo.

D) Press "GO"

   Strangely, aliens seem to have trouble with this. Go? they say. Why go? Why not "Press Here To Apply Pattern" or "PRESS ME!" or--just GO already!

*ahem*

And voila! An attractive crop circle!

Now, if you'd like to set up your own pattern (please see page 3,891,274 of your Alien's Handbook) then BE SURE that you're sure. Also realize that the masters of crop circles (Danstey, Mietzche, Hegas, etc.) had years of practice before they got those fancy circles down pat.

***And please, PLEASE do not beam up any humans while you're at it, okay?***


-----The Golden Eagle

How To: Beaming Someone Up Into A Spaceship

(Copied from The Alien's Handbook To Life's Greatest Activities--Seventh Edition)


Things You'll Need For The Beaming Up Into The Spaceship Part Of The Shenanigans:

A) A ship.

   Preferably with jump drive, back-up circuitry, and plenty of emergency calling numbers in case of . . . well, emergency.

B) A Kick-A** crew not averse to abducting beaming up your desired target.

   Now available at KA Crews R Us™!

C) A Captain for the ship.

   NOTE: Please add to your requirements: "Brain necessary!" Beware of the cheaper ones. They often come at a lower IQ.

D) A Beamer-Upper©

   NEW: Buy half-price at your local Space-Mart™! Deluxe edition includes: FASTER beaming up! EFFICIENT teleportation! FREE take out lunch!


Basic Over-Land (over-sea abductions beaming ups are much harder--please see Appendix F for further information!): How To Beam Them Up:

A) Go into orbit around Earth.

   Please, try not to smash all those pesky satellites. It's bad for your solar windshields!

B) Find a particularly delectable human.

   Male/Female, doesn't matter. They're all human. Except, avoid the ones with suits and convoys and stuffy Secret Service guards--Presidents don't take well to being abducted beamed up. You'll just get those irritating dragonfly-aircraft-thing-ers.

C) Position your ship above the desired human, and wait until darkness.

   DO NOT interrupt satellite transmissions. Humans get crabby if they can't read the next piece of email, usually consisting of something resembling an unintelligible noise made in the throat. Or Larynx. Or . . . does this handbook look like an anatomy book or something?

   Also, be sure that it is dark enough! You don't want to become infamous as the stupidest alien in history for being seen by the masses.

D) Fire up your Beamer-Upper©!

   Note: Beamer-Upper© products have a nasty habit of giving off brilliant flashes of light, so be sure that you're wearing Beamer-Upper© 360 Protection Goggles when proceeding.

E) Ignore screaming human.

   They WILL scream. Or look at you with a triumphant/vindicated expression, and say that they've always believed in aliens. If the latter, Laser-Shockr© them. Then they'll cower.


What To Do Afterwards:

A) Ship them off to a zoo.

   Zoos are paying big bucks for live, conscious humans!

B) Keep it as a pet.

   Humans are annoyingly stupid, though. They'll insist that they have to do this and that and whatever--they never learn anything. Galaxy Pitbulls are better for the family.

C) Give it to your girlfriend/boyfriend.

   Your Alien GF/BF will absolutely adore this new thing to cuddle when you're gone! (Note: this project is also a good way of getting away from him/her.)

D) Put it back down to Earth when you discover it's just a pain in the--*ahem*

   This is the wisest option.


A Last Word Of Advice:

No matter which option you choose, be sure to get the heck out of there once you're done.


***Final Note: Please do not try this at home.***


-----The Golden Eagle