Things You'll Need For The Beaming Up Into The Spaceship Part Of The Shenanigans:
A) A ship.
Preferably with jump drive, back-up circuitry, and plenty of emergency calling numbers in case of . . . well, emergency.
B) A Kick-A** crew not averse to
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C) A Captain for the ship.
NOTE: Please add to your requirements: "Brain necessary!" Beware of the cheaper ones. They often come at a lower IQ.
D) A Beamer-Upper©
NEW: Buy half-price at your local Space-Mart™! Deluxe edition includes: FASTER beaming up! EFFICIENT teleportation! FREE take out lunch!
Basic Over-Land (over-sea
A) Go into orbit around Earth.
Please, try not to smash all those pesky satellites. It's bad for your solar windshields!
B) Find a particularly delectable human.
Male/Female, doesn't matter. They're all human. Except, avoid the ones with suits and convoys and stuffy Secret Service guards--Presidents don't take well to being
C) Position your ship above the desired human, and wait until darkness.
DO NOT interrupt satellite transmissions. Humans get crabby if they can't read the next piece of email, usually consisting of something resembling an unintelligible noise made in the throat. Or Larynx. Or . . . does this handbook look like an anatomy book or something?
Also, be sure that it is dark enough! You don't want to become infamous as the stupidest alien in history for being seen by the masses.
D) Fire up your Beamer-Upper©!
Note: Beamer-Upper© products have a nasty habit of giving off brilliant flashes of light, so be sure that you're wearing Beamer-Upper© 360 Protection Goggles when proceeding.
E) Ignore screaming human.
They WILL scream. Or look at you with a triumphant/vindicated expression, and say that they've always believed in aliens. If the latter, Laser-Shockr© them. Then they'll cower.
What To Do Afterwards:
A) Ship them off to a zoo.
Zoos are paying big bucks for live, conscious humans!
B) Keep it as a pet.
Humans are annoyingly stupid, though. They'll insist that they have to do this and that and whatever--they never learn anything. Galaxy Pitbulls are better for the family.
C) Give it to your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Your Alien GF/BF will absolutely adore this new thing to cuddle when you're gone! (Note: this project is also a good way of getting away from him/her.)
D) Put it back down to Earth when you discover it's just a pain in the--*ahem*
This is the wisest option.
A Last Word Of Advice:
No matter which option you choose, be sure to get the heck out of there once you're done.
***Final Note: Please do not try this at home.***
-----The Golden Eagle