30 October, 2010

How To: Beaming Someone Up Into A Spaceship

(Copied from The Alien's Handbook To Life's Greatest Activities--Seventh Edition)

Things You'll Need For The Beaming Up Into The Spaceship Part Of The Shenanigans:

A) A ship.

   Preferably with jump drive, back-up circuitry, and plenty of emergency calling numbers in case of . . . well, emergency.

B) A Kick-A** crew not averse to abducting beaming up your desired target.

   Now available at KA Crews R Us™!

C) A Captain for the ship.

   NOTE: Please add to your requirements: "Brain necessary!" Beware of the cheaper ones. They often come at a lower IQ.

D) A Beamer-Upper©

   NEW: Buy half-price at your local Space-Mart™! Deluxe edition includes: FASTER beaming up! EFFICIENT teleportation! FREE take out lunch!

Basic Over-Land (over-sea abductions beaming ups are much harder--please see Appendix F for further information!): How To Beam Them Up:

A) Go into orbit around Earth.

   Please, try not to smash all those pesky satellites. It's bad for your solar windshields!

B) Find a particularly delectable human.

   Male/Female, doesn't matter. They're all human. Except, avoid the ones with suits and convoys and stuffy Secret Service guards--Presidents don't take well to being abducted beamed up. You'll just get those irritating dragonfly-aircraft-thing-ers.

C) Position your ship above the desired human, and wait until darkness.

   DO NOT interrupt satellite transmissions. Humans get crabby if they can't read the next piece of email, usually consisting of something resembling an unintelligible noise made in the throat. Or Larynx. Or . . . does this handbook look like an anatomy book or something?

   Also, be sure that it is dark enough! You don't want to become infamous as the stupidest alien in history for being seen by the masses.

D) Fire up your Beamer-Upper©!

   Note: Beamer-Upper© products have a nasty habit of giving off brilliant flashes of light, so be sure that you're wearing Beamer-Upper© 360 Protection Goggles when proceeding.

E) Ignore screaming human.

   They WILL scream. Or look at you with a triumphant/vindicated expression, and say that they've always believed in aliens. If the latter, Laser-Shockr© them. Then they'll cower.

What To Do Afterwards:

A) Ship them off to a zoo.

   Zoos are paying big bucks for live, conscious humans!

B) Keep it as a pet.

   Humans are annoyingly stupid, though. They'll insist that they have to do this and that and whatever--they never learn anything. Galaxy Pitbulls are better for the family.

C) Give it to your girlfriend/boyfriend.

   Your Alien GF/BF will absolutely adore this new thing to cuddle when you're gone! (Note: this project is also a good way of getting away from him/her.)

D) Put it back down to Earth when you discover it's just a pain in the--*ahem*

   This is the wisest option.

A Last Word Of Advice:

No matter which option you choose, be sure to get the heck out of there once you're done.

***Final Note: Please do not try this at home.***

-----The Golden Eagle


Vicki Rocho said...

This is hysterical! I would love to play with a beamer-upper!

N. R. Williams said...

Funny Golden, I bet those alien abduction specialist never considered these.
N. R. Williams, fantasy author

King AFIcionado said...

I have a very unfounded fear of Aliens and so really any mention of them gives me goosbumps, but this was really funny! Thanks for checking out my blog and following me!

Tyrean Martinson said...

This is really funny. Thank you! I like the beamer upper, and the need for goggles due to the bright light.

Robyn Campbell said...

Following you from Halloween Haunting. I don't think that's an advertisement.

Very funny post. GOGGLES PLEASE! :)

Misha1989 said...

That was hilarious! I remember watching this show on Discovery channel about aliens, after which I was mortified by the very idea of them.

The Golden Eagle said...

Vicki: Available at your local Space-Mart! :D

Nancy: Probably not . . . although I'm sure they have plenty of theories.

King AFIcionado: I'm not really afraid of aliens . . . never have been. :P

You're welcome!

Tyrean: Glad you like it. :)

Robyn: Nope, I don't consider that an advertisement. Just trying to cut down on the spam. :)


Misha1989: I've never watched a show on aliens, probably part of the reason they don't make me scared. I actually think it would be cool if there were aliens out there!

RaShelle said...

Ha ha ha ha ha - Give one to your GF/BF. Humans really are a pain in the *ahem*. Great!!!

Summer Ross said...

LOL! This was really funny.

Anonymous said...

Lol. Thanks for the funny. Have a great weekend.

Mary said...

So you've tried this all to make sure it works, right?

drea moore said...

This gives the once-overused ROFL new relevancy. An awesome read! I also know a few ppl who will enjoy it as much as I did...so I'll send 'em on this way :D

Rachael Harrie said...

Tee hee, love it! That's brightened up my day :)


The Golden Eagle said...

RaShelle: ;D

Summer: I'm glad you think so!

Medeia: You too! Happy Halloween!

Mary: Whe-ell . . . I tried the Goggles.

Drea: Thank you! I do appreciate your spreading the word about this post!

Rachael: Glad it did, Rachael!