06 November, 2010

DIY: Crop Circles For The Designing Alien

(Copied from The Alien's Handbook to Life's Greatest Activities--Seventh Edition)

Crop circles are easy for the designing alien who wants a new hobby in their life! They are an attractive addition to an otherwise-boring planet, because believe me, there's positively nothing as gorgeous as seeing a 780-foot circle on some human's property.

What You'll Need For the Crop-Circle Biz:

A) A Deep-Nucleic-Fryer

   This is for getting the crop to go where you want it to!

   NOTE: Preferably with a IN-Ship-Cooking accessory--if you're going to get rid of the crop for the pattern, you may as well eat it afterwards!

B) A Guiding-Ray Beamer

   This is to keep your crop-circle path neat and orderly! You don't want to look like . . . well, like an alien decided to make a really bad crop-circle. You want EPICNESS, if you'd like to use that human phrase. Random lines are not EPICNESS.

C) A field.

   You can't very well go and do one in a city, can you? Be sure to find one out in the countryside! And do avoid Central Park in NYC. The last alien who tried it ended up looking like a--well, you get the picture.

How To Create A Splendiferous Crop Circle:

I am assuming you're doing this at night. If you do it during the day you'll end up with a lot of annoying fighter jets trying to track you down and take you in. It's a darn nuisance, plus you'll be the laughingstock of the alien world for centuries.

A) Please turn to Electronic Page 1,234,689 of your Alien's Handbook and select a pattern.

B) Avoid those brown or black-and-white things that are occasionally in the fields. They are ALIVE. Let's not violate alien-human charters, shall we?

   NOTE: If you happen to be blind (in which case you really should not be doing this) or happen to be remarkably reckless (AKA dumb) and your Deep-Nucleic-Fryer hits one of those brown/b&w things . . . get out. FAST.

C) Set up your Deep-Nucleic-Fryer and Guiding-Ray Beamer. Insert pattern.

   WARNING: Please make sure the Beamer-thinger is pointed AT THE FIELD. Not at you. That would be bad. It's worse than an extremely painful tattoo.

D) Press "GO"

   Strangely, aliens seem to have trouble with this. Go? they say. Why go? Why not "Press Here To Apply Pattern" or "PRESS ME!" or--just GO already!


And voila! An attractive crop circle!

Now, if you'd like to set up your own pattern (please see page 3,891,274 of your Alien's Handbook) then BE SURE that you're sure. Also realize that the masters of crop circles (Danstey, Mietzche, Hegas, etc.) had years of practice before they got those fancy circles down pat.

***And please, PLEASE do not beam up any humans while you're at it, okay?***

-----The Golden Eagle


Quinn said...

I enjoyed this. An Alien handbook might be a good idea for a book. Hmmm ...

Francine said...


Hee hee, ooh such fun. Actually all it takes is one stake, one sledge-hammer and a long piece of heavy rope (weighted) and dragged round in a circle similar to lungeing a horse. For the complicated designer ones, there are similar simple means of creating awe inspiring artwork! ;)

Nevertheless, great alien handbook!


The Golden Eagle said...

Quinn: Glad you enjoyed it!

Francine: That does sound like a bit of an easier method. :D

Have a great weekend!

Peaceful Reader said...

All good things for when I build/plant a crop circle in my wee back yard! Congratulations for writing 10,000 words so far! Someday I plan to participate in that amazing writing project. Keep going.

Becca and Zippy said...

That is so funny! Haha! Is that froma an actual book? 'Cause if it is, I'll have to read it. :D

L'Aussie said...

Welcome to the crusade, Golden Eagle. This sounds quite wacky and interesting..:)

The Golden Eagle said...

Peaceful Reader: LOL. :D

Thank you!

Becca and Zippy: Nope, it's all my own idea!

L'Aussie: Thanks!

Glad you think so. :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You have now saved countless aliens from frying themselves with the beamer-thinger!

The Golden Eagle said...

LOL. Hopefully!