20 July, 2010

The Vampire Diaries Synopsis

{With commentary}

Elena: OMG, did that boy just walk right past me and not even stare how could he I'm the most attractive girl in the world and everyone stares at me so how could he act like I'm some totally normal person??!! {Please. This really is her attitude.}
Stefan: *shock* OMG, that looks like my old girlfriend who turned me into a vampire and drove me to kill my brother who killed me afterwards! I'm going to have to ignore her. {Smart plan!}
Elena: I am so freaking mad that he ignored me and I'm going to dump my close friend Matt for him and then I'm going to make my friends swear a blood oath that I'm going to get that guy!
Matt: I see. You know, Elena, the only things you want in life are the things you don't have. {SO true. I like this guy! He's got a brain.}
Bonnie: I'm a psychic! Let me read your future . . . {I don't really believe in psychic powers, in case you didn't know. :P}
Stefan: Grr, that girl is driving me nuts. I'm not sure I'll be able to resist drinking her blood if I stay in town any longer, and do you know just how much she reminds me of my old girlfriend Katherine? Oh, hold it, I have a sad story to tell:
One day, my brother, oh-so-handsome-Damon was telling my father he was going to drop out of school and my dad had a fit. And then Katherine came in--the love of my life--and started smiling at my brother in that way, and I felt like I was going to explode since I realized she loved the both of us.
Elena: He was a gardener in Paris; married with two kids but I'm using his photo to make Stefan jealous!
Meredith: *gives the look*
Stefan: Oh, god, she's coming my way with some speech.
Elena: Hi! I'm supposed to show you around the school--
Stefan: MATT! Can I try out for the football team? PLEASE? Just get me away from her!! {Smart, once again.}
Elena: *gapes* He . . . ignored me again! AAAGGH!
Matt: You're on the team!

Later . . . 

Elena: You ARE going to get him to go to the dance right Matt? Because I need to seduce him or I'll die!
Matt: Yes, yes, he'd said he'd come. -_-
Elena: *nearly swoons* Oh, oh, oh! There he is . . . would you like to dance?
Stefan: *reaches out* {Man, you made a mistake there.}
Caroline: Looky! It's my old best friend moving in on my date I'll have to go stop her and spite her!
Elena: *shock* Well then! I'll just have to act like a total jerk {*ahem* there are worse words for this . . .} and let Tyler Smallwood dance with me and hang out with the worst crowd at the dance and get drunk and go to the cemetery where a man was killed a few days ago! {Brilliant, Elena. Just brilliant.}
Tyler: Let's open a grave!
Vickie: *stares*
Tyler: I'll save you!
Stefan: GAAA get away from her! *throws Tyler and his goons* Come on, Elena. I'll drive you home from my place. {This is where it starts to go really, really bad.}
Elena in his apartment: I am so ANGRY! He acts like I'm unattractive! All I do is whine all day!
Stefan: *groans* Elena . . .
Elena: You do love me!
Stefan: *surrendering and kisses her* {One thing I have to say, there's a lot of sap in this book. This is the guy I want to be with forever and I can't believe how well we were made for each other and GAG ME. The romance is overboard.}

There is a lot of this. Then . . .

Bonnie: THIS GUY IS DEAD! *screams*
Tyler: Stefan did this!
Elena: Matt, warn him!
Stefan: *tears up room of apartment when he gets home out of frustration*
Elena: *chases after Stefan* Stefan! Why are you *gulp* eating those doves?
Stefan: Vamp, girl.
Elena: *collapses into his arms*
Stefan: I love you . . . *chomp*
Elena: Drink my blood, Stefan . . .
Stefan: *displays neck* Chomp on me  . . .

Damon: Elena! Get over here because I want my brother to be miserable and I need human blood!
Elena: *swoons* Damon . . . WAIT, Stefan!
Stefan: What's up with you today?
Elena: Nothing I'm perfectly fine and dandy and why don't you just ignore the new bite marks on my neck?
Damon: Caroline's got your diary and if you'll let me drink again I'll get it for you . . .
Stefan: *growls* I've got a plan!
Bonnie: I'm feeling psychic again . . .
Meredith: *gives the look*

{They get the diary but then Stefan disappears and Elena goes after him.}

Elena: OH NO I'm being followed and I've got to get over that rickety and Damon's after me!
Storm whips around her and the bridge collapses under her car.
Stefan: NOOOOO!
*general fighting*
Elena: I sense him . . . My sense are more powerful than before . . . {she has no idea she's a vampire}
Damon: He said you were dead!
Elena: *cuddles Damon* I'm not dead, silly. I love you!
Stefan: *gapes*
Damon: *gapes*

I've finally found a book worse than The Twilight Saga. Would you believe it? This story is ridiculous, the plot is unoriginal, and everything was predictable.

-----The Golden Eagle


John The Bookworm said...

The books were published int he early 90's, actually. They still stink. L.J.Smith is mediocre at best with her work. Her heroines are all the same, she always has love triangles...I read the first two-in-on of the vamp diaries and it went so slow...plus the ending just made me go WTF GIRL?

Basically, they suck eggs. Really rotten, yucky eggs. Thank god I'm not the only one that hates them.

The Words Crafter said...

Oh my GOSH this was funny! Thanks for posting this...

Sarah said...

I LOVE this. It seems worse than Twilight, I agree.. and Twilight was TERRIBLE :P

laughingwolf said...

must tell you something, no? ;)

Elizabeth J. said...

Twilight is definitely not education and I don't think I should waste my time reading it. I have to say, the ridiculousness of the story posted was comical! =)

~Elizabeth J.

The Golden Eagle said...

John: AAAH! I know. I didn't notice that they were published in the 90s, but I suppose that's a moot point seeing how BAD they are.

The Words Crafter: Glad you found it funny! :D

Sarah: Ugh, Twilight! It WAS terrible, and seeing as this was worse . . . :P

Laughingwolf: Quite. :)

Elizabeth J.: The story is totally ridiculous, but since I read it I figured I may as well spread the humor.

Thanks for finding my blog, BTW. :)

Elizabeth J. said...

Thank you for following my blog! I appreciate it!