22 April, 2011

A-Z Blogging Challenge: S Stands For: Show (Crusader Challenge)

To find out about this challenge, go HERE.

Brown clouds of dust and fumes rose from open vents in the ground, obscuring the sinking disk of the sun. A strong wind blew and began to carry dark gray clouds toward the horizon, my hair whipping around my cheeks. The air above the desert expanse shimmered in the dusk light from heat and rising smoke.
   I closed my eyes to block out the hellish image before me and let my lungs fill with the stale, heavy air, the taste of salt and acrid chemicals on my tongue. Turning my back to the sun seemed like relinquishing the final link to survival, even if succeeding the mission mean saving the lives of thousands, but I moved to take in the obstacle I had to facebefore I collapsed out of hunger, or my legs gave out from moving miles upon miles, to a destination I had almost forgotten.
   And, if he truly was following me, before the assassin caught up with my trail.
   The tunnel in front of me looked abysmal, the edges gray and dull in the faint, fading light. I took a step forward, but stopped as something primeval begged to run away. I bit my lip hard and focused on the pain; the consequences would be horrific if I warred with myself at this crucial moment, when the stakes loomed.
   The wind stirred the dust again, and my eyes stung and watered. I made my legs move and my arms pump, saccadic, as I ran for the tunnel, the wind pushing me forward, urging me into darkness that made my hands tremble. Inside, I touched the side of the tunnel for support, a cool, liquid substance beneath by fingertips.
   A foot that wasn’t mine tapped against the tunnel floor.
   “You'll never learn, Hanan.”

295 words. (Note: this is not from a WIP or other current project.)

What do you think?

-----The Golden Eagle


Emily Rose said...

Wow, that is excellent! It pulled me and, and had me hungry for more. Keep going with it!

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

I enjoyed this! And, it's a great premise for a larger work. Hope you write on!

Chris K. said...

Thanks for sharing. I agree, it's an interesting start to something, perhaps.

I'm starting up a 'Critiquing Crusaders' program, where participants in the Second Crusade can find other writers to exchange critiques with or form critiquing circles. If you're interested, come by The Kelworth Files to check it out!

Josh Hoyt said...

That was brilliant great job. I also awarded you the stylish blogger award.

Sylvia van Bruggen said...


Old Kitty said...

Full of atmosphere and I really got under the skin of your mc - I felt Hanan's terror and pain! So yay for a powerful voice! Take care

Sierra Gardner said...

Great job! I loved that you were able to get so much description in while still holding the tension. That's impressive!

Michelle Merrill said...

I like your descriptions. I felt like I was there with her. Great last line too! Thanks for sharing :)

Monti said...

That is so poetic! I love the use of so many "s" words. Perfect.


Lauracea said...

Great way of showing the atmosphere of the place. Keep going, it could be the start of something big. You do like long sentences, yes I see ;)

Angie said...

Love it! Great job using all the senses and really drawing me into the scene.

Carole Anne Carr said...

Loved it, and especially the suspense at the end.

li said...

Perfect intro description. I enjoy writing which includes all of the senses, including smell and taste, which are often forgotten. And you've left lots of openings for further plot twists. (Example: the assassin. What assassin? And, is s/he following, or not? Why, or why not? Great hook.)

Madeleine said...

I love the sci fi nature of this piece. I hope she escapes :O)

Sun Singer said...

Frighteningly real.

the writing pad said...

Excellent - loved the use of all the senses and shuddered at what might be on the tunnel walls and who (or what) might be in the tunnel with her ... Seems to be lots of scope for further twists and developments.

Dawn Embers said...

ooo. Nicely done. And I like the image posted with the little micro fiction piece.

Jai Joshi said...

Oh, this sounds like something apolcalyptic. Like there's just been a nuclear holocaust or something. I love the imagery of that tunnel. It could be so many things.


laughingwolf said...

other than needing a few edits here and there, an excellent piece, ge! :)

Liz P said...

This definitely has the makings of a larger story...

Zan Marie said...

It should be a larger work! What a great snip. The atmosphere and the mood have me hooked.

Kerri Cuev said...

Great suspense! Really like this.

Scarlett Clay said...

Keep it up!!! It's going to be awesome!

erica and christy said...

I love the last line. You've got something here! christy

Rachael Harrie said...

Ooh, I really like it Golden! Fantastic atmosphere, and so many intriguing details that make me want to know much more. And I love the last line :)



The Golden Eagle said...

Emily: Thank you! :)

I might--once I've finished rewriting the novel I'm currently trying to finish. LOL.

Nicole: Thanks!

I'm thinking about it . . .

Chris: It was fun to write!

I'm not sure I want to join a critique group at the moment--I'm still working on several projects and not sure I really want to show that to anyone at this point.

Thanks for the information, though. It sounds like a great program!

Josh: Thank you!

I just popped over--I'm honored you chose me to award!

Sylvia: Thank you! :)

Old Kitty: I'm glad you were able to see things through Hanan's perspective; that's what I was aiming for.

Sierra: Thanks so much!

Michelle: This was a lot of fun to write. :)

I'm glad you liked the last line! I wanted to go for the dramatic there . . . LOL.

Monti: Interesting that you mentioned that--I hadn't meant to use so many "S" words at all, other than the ones Rachael Harrie said to use as part of the Challenge.

Lauracea: Thanks!

Yup. ;)

Angie: Thank you!

Carole: Glad you liked the end part of it. ;)

Li: Thank you!

I don't usually add those as much as I did in this piece--most of the time they're few and far between. :P

The Golden Eagle said...

Madeleine: SF is the main genre I write--so I guess it makes sense that part came out in this. :)

I hope she does, too. That's yet to be decided, but I'm thinking about continuing this short piece . . .

Malcolm: Thank you! I really wanted to capture what the character was going through.

Karla: Thanks!

It's interesting to write with words that have to be in the story--I hadn't originally put in slimy walls, but I needed a place to put "substance". :D

Dawn: Thank you!

Glad you liked the pic. :)

Jai: I saw it as a wasteland-like place with vents and sand and desert . . . I suppose I had a bit of fun creating the badlands-style atmosphere. LOL.

Laughingwolf: Thank you!

Liz: After reading all the comments, my writer mind is starting to come up with ideas. :D

Zan: Thanks!

I'm glad it kept your interest.

Kerri: Thank you!

Scarlett: Thanks! :)

I'm thinking about continuing the story--this will definitely be in the pile of possible projects.

Christy: Thanks! I had wanted a dramatic last line--I love little twists in a story.

Rachael: Thank you! :)

Nofretiri said...

That was an interesting experience, I could instantly hear another voice telling that little scene! I wondered, what had happened, that someone prefers to flee into a tunnel! Wished there would be more than just 300 words!

... and isn't it intriguing, how different every one deals with the same specifications? :-)

Karin @ Nofretiris Dream Of Writing

Anonymous said...

Great images, lots of tension.
thanks for dropping in on thefeatherednest

Crystal said...

Exciting! I'm with the people who are saying you should carry on with this - it definitely has potential!!

Rachel Morgan said...

"sinking disc of the sun" - I like it. It's been really interesting seeing how different people SHOW that it's dusk. And I like the last line too! Not what I was expecting.

The Golden Eagle said...

Nofretiri: I will have to play around with this story sometime. :D It seems like it got a lot of positive response.

It is. :)

Mybabyjohn: Thanks! Tension is what I was going for.

You're welcome!

Crystal: Thank you!

Rachel: Thanks. :)

I wanted to have some fun with the last line--LOL.

Deniz Bevan said...

Love that last paragraph and the two last lines. I hope she gets out okay!

The Golden Eagle said...

Thanks, Deniz! :)

I don't know--I'll have to think about her future some more, when I'm not in the middle of other projects! LOL.