03 December, 2010

How To: Writing

Here are some instructions on how to write a best-selling, awesome-sauce book that agents and publishers will snap up in about 5 seconds:

1. Use run-on sentences; you know, the kind that get really, really, really, really long because for some reason the writer has a complex that doesn't allow them to write short sentences, and then they go off on tangents, like saying that tangents are really cool in trigonometry but since that has absolutely nothing to do with the original subject they try to circle back but that doesn't work because the reader has already abandoned the novel to pick up something like Ernest Hemingway because at least he didn't bore or frustrate the brains of the reader with long, run-on sentences that go on, and on, and on, and take up entire paragraphs.

2. Tell instead of show. Why? I'm telling you not to show, people! Don't do it! What did you say? Oh. Why on Earth would I want to explain what I'm telling you? I'm telling you already.

3. Use little description. For example: it's a forest. It's green. Plus some trees. Or, there's the ocean. It's blue. There are waves. Or, the sky is blue. There are white clouds. The sun is bright and, darn it, it hurts the eyes. That is all.

4. Use a lot of -ly and -ing words. They are just so wonderfully long, and they sound very good when they're scattered randomly over the page; particularly when they can be replaced perfectly well with other words that aren't so irritatingly -ing and -ly -ish. It's precisely what people really want to be reading.

5. Use a lot of slang and bad grammar. DUDE, I ain't kidding you! Perfect language is so, like, overrated, man, and I hate them grammar check and spell-er thingies. So, like, lame-o.

6. Use a lot of swear words. It's a *%&$!@#$ good idea.

7. Use a lot of short sentences. To the point of being annoying. And choppy. Well. Because. They're short. They say little. They're fast. Readers love 'em.

The end of writing advice.


DISCLAIMER: Note that to actually write a good book, you should do the opposite of the above listed. I accept no liability if you take me seriously.

Just kidding. But in all solemnity, dude, I'm telling you to go finish that &*%# first draft of yours since what else is editing for?


-----The Golden Eagle

48 comments:

Patricia Stoltey said...

Great humor article, Golden. I especially loved #1, and #2. Actually, I loved them all. Well done.

Aleta said...

Beautiful! Unfortunately, some people might take it seriously. Lol.

♥Bleah♥Briann♥ said...

ahahah... please keep in mind that I am blonde....

the entire time I read it... my mouth was haning open 'cuz I thougt you were serious! *gah*.....

Brian said...

That was funny, thanks for the smiles and giggles going into the weekend.

Zoraz/Dog Trainer In Training said...

Lol! I thought you were serious for w hile. I was like-- "I thought.....what??But I thought....but...I thought.....oooh!" lol!

Carol Kilgore said...

This is hilarious!
Definitely Friday worthy.
Have a fun weekend :)

DEZMOND said...

there really are a lot of bad writers who use too many bad language in their books. And I've notice that shocking sexual remarks are also quite popular in the most inconvenient of places.
A lot of new writers also have problems with descriptions as you said, and also with the short sentences = short sentences usually give a notion of uneducated writer who doesn't read enough. Short sentences can be written only by very skilled writers who posses a natural narrative talent and charm.

Holly Ruggiero said...

There’s a rumor we will get snow next week, but I don't think it is going to happen. It’s just cold.

KarenG said...

This made me LOL, especially the description advice. There's the ocean. It's blue. Hahaha!!

Tere Kirkland said...

Ha! Run-on sentences are the best!

Fun post.

Patricia A. Timms said...

I thought this was funny. I can't believe anyone might think it was serious. Ha! Thanks for the laugh!

Lynda Young said...

dude! I am, like, loving your advice and I reckon it's the best ever -- really, really, the best. Like, really.

Lynda Young said...

p.s. thanks for the giggle.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

LOL! Funny stuff!

Angie said...

Great advice. Thanks for the chuckle!

Lydia Kang said...

That was funny! Thanks for the laughs!

Colene Murphy said...

Awe..*facepalm* That's what my MS needs. More run ons...

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Those were great!

Shelley said...

Haha, great post! :) At first, when I started reading it I was like "Did I read the title correctly?" Nice list of things a writer should NOT do! :)

Old Kitty said...

Oh I love the "use little description" - it's a forest. It's green. Plus some trees.

LOL!!! Excellent!! Thank you for making me laugh at just before midnight!! Take care
x

Talei said...

Haha! So I'm working on my %&** first draft, the edits are a whole other ball game.

Happy writing my dear! ;)

Summer Ross said...

LOL, great post.

Caroline said...

LOL!!! I totally thought you were serious! Man, was I glad when I found out you weren't...

Gail said...

I dream of writing...

Jemi Fraser said...

Fun :)

My biggest weakness is the description one - I do like to skip a lot of it :)

Jai Joshi said...

Love this illustrative piece, Golden Eagle! Talk about showing and not telling...

Jai

Icewolf said...

*laughs* At first I was confused, but then I saw the disclaimer. I thought you were serious as well because all of those would not have made me happy as a reader. :D

Jules said...

(Laughing) You are a nut!

Funny thing, if this was how to do it I'd definitely know how :D
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Susan Fields said...

Thanks for a Friday laugh!

Hayhay said...

Hahah, I was like, 'what in the world...?'
Haha thanks for the laugh! :)

Kari Marie said...

Very funny!
*notes to self to print out for reference...*

Sun Singer said...

Okay, you know, like I took all these notes and them memorized your advice while skydiving over a volcano, then by the time I got out of the hospital, I just couldn't, like think of a plot.

Bummer, dammit.

Malcolm

Clarissa Draper said...

I followed all the advice you gave and no one ever gave me a look. I would seriously check your facts! ;) Thanks for the laugh.

CD

Pk Hrezo said...

LOL! That was awesome. :)

Rachael Harrie said...

Hilarious!!! Oh I wish we could use heaps of adverbs, I love the little suckers ;)

Rach

The Words Crafter said...

This was, like, you know, a banging post and, like, you totally made me LOL!

Madeleine said...

I loved this because it should stick in people's heads better even than the advice people usually get. I especially like the tell one. :O)

Claire Goverts said...

Nice list, the way you worded it had me laughing. What a fun way to share writing advice. :)

Francine said...

Hi,

Fantastic Fridy night giggle factor!

best
F

Elizabeth Mueller said...

LOL! You're so cute. I love that. So true! I really hope no one takes it seriously. It might be a novice writer or a disgruntled one. Take your pick!

~Elizabeth :)

Tyrean Martinson said...

Thanks!!! I needed that laugh!

The Weed said...

Classic! I was like "is this for real?" Nicely deadpan.

So, I'm a fellow Crusader, but somehow never met you before. It's a pleasure. I Look forward to reading more.

Talli Roland said...

Haha! Great advice! Thank for the smile. Hope you're having a great weekend!

The Golden Eagle said...

Patricia: Thank you for the compliment! Glad you like the post!

Aleta: I know . . . but I decided to post it anyway. :P

Bleah: Don't worry about that--I wanted to make it as serious as possible; until the punchline, of course.

Brian: You're welcome! I hope you had a great weekend. :)

Zoraz: *grins* Nope, not really serious.

Carol: Glad you liked it!

I hope you did, too.

DEZMOND: There tend to be a lot of them in YA--it gets annoying, since I don't really want to be reading that stuff, and a lot of books would be so much better without them . . .

I agree, on the short sentences.

Holly: That's the worst kind of weather! Cold, cold, cold, but just brown dirt and bare trees.

Karen: Well, it is! :D I was exaggerating, of course, but sometimes it can get pretty close to that.

Tere: Robin McKinley can pull them off really, really well. She's one of the few exceptions to that rule. :)

The Golden Eagle said...

Patricia: Someone might . . . which is why I added the little DISCLAIMER in case a person came back and wanted to rant at me for it. :P

You're welcome!

Lynda: Awesomeness, dude.

You're certainly welcome for it. :D

Sharon: Thank you!

Angie: You're welcome, Angie. :)

Lydia: Anytime, Lydia!

Colene: My novel probably needs less description . . . more "it's big", you know?

;)

Alex: Glad you thought so! :)

Shelley: Thanks, Shelley!

I almost titled something like "How To: Writing the Wrong Way" but then I though, what the heck, I'll just name it wrong. :D

Old Kitty: You're welcome for the laugh, Old Kitty! I'm glad you liked the description one . . .

Talei: Good luck on that *%&# draft! ;)

You too!

The Golden Eagle said...

Summer: Thank you, Summer!

Caroline: I'd have to have a pretty weird mind if I thought these were effective writing tools . . . LOL.

Gail: You write, Gail! Blog posts, and I've read some of your stories on your blog! It's all writing. :)

Jemi: Me, too. I skip a lot of description in the first draft, or if I try writing it the first time around it comes out wrong. But hey, editing is always an option!

Jai: I'm glad you like it, Jai. :)

Icewolf: Just joking about most of it!

Jules: Yup. The nut, that's me! :D

Your writing is wonderful! I love your story-style blog posts.

Susan: You're welcome! :)

Hayhay: It's my kind of humor--the one that comes out only at the end. :D

You're welcome!

Kari: Glad you thought so!

Thanks for coming by an commenting, too!

The Golden Eagle said...

Malcolm: Major bummer!

Hope your next skydiving adventure is a little more fruitful!

;)

Clarissa: Hmph! Are you sure about that? :D

You're very welcome for it!

Pk: I'm glad you like the post!

Rachael: They're amazingly . . . well, amazingly awesome! :D

The Words Crafter: I am so, like, you know, happy you thought it was a good post! :D

Madeleine: Hopefully, the fact that you are NOT supposed to do these sorts of things sticks . . . not that you are! LOL.

Claire: I'm glad you liked it, Claire!

Thanks for coming by and commenting, too!

Francine: Awesome. :D

Elizabeth: Glad you like it!

Both, possibly. I know I'd get the temptation to default to something like this if I was frustrated with my own writing . . .

Tyrean: You're welcome! :)

The Golden Eagle said...

The Weed: Hi, there! Welcome to The Eagle's Aerial Perspective.

It's awesome that you're a fellow Crusader. :) I hope you enjoy my blog!

Talli: You're welcome for it, Talli!

I hope you had a great one, too.