06 December, 2010

Through the Keyhole Blogfest Entry

This blogfest is hosted by Madeleine at Scribble and Edit. It's to present your writing skills, and for the readers--yes, you fellow bloggers--to guess what kind of person lives in the room described in the entry.



Go HERE for all the other entrants.

So without further ado, here's mine:


You step into the room, pushing open the door.
   You look around, your eyes traveling from the left to the right, examining the few objects in the room—the first thing that strikes you is the way the light slants down from the square window, a solid, gleaming shaft of yellow-white that makes a perfect rectangle on a simple wooden desk in the corner.
   The next thing that strikes you is the sleek, uber-modern computer situated on top of the desk, covered by a smooth, clear case. It is in contrast to the old desk it sits upon. You walk over to it, and touch the computer case, feeling the cold, smooth surface. You touch the smooth, warm wood, too. There’s a drawer beneath the computer; you open it, feeling the rough knob between your fingers.
   Inside the drawer, there is a photograph, and you see a man holding his wife, identical smiles on their faces, reflecting the others’ happiness. You feel a kind of sadness, a longing to be one of the people in the picture—to be carefree and joyful, for just a moment. It was obviously someone’s prized possession, based on the way it was placed inside the drawer. The edges are worn, touched over and over again. It is the only thing in the desk, aside from a large, rounded ballpoint pen and a CD-RW, which you ignore. You close the drawer.
   You turn away  from the desk and the computer, facing the rest of the room. The light hits your eyes with a blinding light, and you shield your face. There is a bed in the corner of the room, a simple, wooden object with a plain but somehow elegant comforter on top of it. Next to it, on the right, is a file cabinet and a dresser.
   You walk out of the rectangle of light over to the bed, noticing that there is a pair of glasses on the sheets. You look to the right of the bed, at the file cabinet and drawer, and you step forward, peering into the cabinet to see what kind of papers are inside, tucked safely away.
   There’s a folder placed in one of the holders, and you pick it up, curiosity overcoming everything else. Inside, there are files for an agency; but you don’t want to poke through too much, so you put it back before finding out what kind of agency it is.
   The dresser is open just a little. You’re still curious, so you tease the door open just a bit further, and look in. There’s a suitcase inside, a red one with a bright green string attached to it. It looks like it’s been used, with dark scuff marks on the front, and the little black wheels have obviously been rolled over rough surfaces.
   Propped up next to the suitcase is another folder. Deciding to take only a little look-see, you reach out and unzip the folder. You realize its contents are worn, well-read letters, all starting with the words “My dearest love—“
   And that’s as far as you get. Someone is coming. You quickly re-zip the file folder, put it back in its spot, and close the dresser. You dash for the door and are walking down the hallway before anyone realizes you were there.

It's my first attempt at writing in the 2nd person--what do you think? Good, bad, horrible attempt?

Don't forget to guess what kind of person lives in the room! (I'll tell you what I was thinking on Wednesday.)

-----The Golden Eagle

23 comments:

N. R. Williams said...

I'm glad I'm not trying to guess a character in a book. My guess is a widow, either male or female. The only thing about the writing is that you used the word 'you' too much. But you gotta start somewhere.
Nancy
N. R. Williams, fantasy author

KK Brees said...

Second person is the toughest to write in. It can work well as an intro to a piece that then shifts to first person. Keep it short and sweet!

Holly Ruggiero said...

I thought widow too. A man.

Dominic de Mattos said...

I've never tried writing any length in second person POV ... but I thought the narrative was excellent - I could picture every action as I moved around the room.

so the occupant.
Widower, the room is sparsely furnished suggesting male ... older, needing glasses ... a successful writer because of the modern (expensive)computer (older people tend not to have uber modern computers unless the user is unusually computer literate and spends a significant amount of time on it), also the multiple query letters to (the same)agent ... the green string might have once belonged to a luggage tag, suggesting foreign travel, so a famous author attending conventions ... how did I do?

:Dom

Brian said...

I think you did darn good, but that second person is a toughie to write...and to read sometimes. I could envision everything just as described! I agree with the others, a widower.

Arlee Bird said...

I felt like I was there as your descriptions were vivid so I think you were successful at the 2nd person pov. As to who's room this is? All I know it's not mine.

L'Aussie said...

Hi, I'll be back to read this but I'm on a mission. I've given you an award so please come by and collect on my blog!

Cinette said...

I agree with the others; an aged widower/writer. And you did an excellent job on second person. It is usually hard to read for very long, but yours was smooth and never jarring.

Old Kitty said...

Oh I enjoyed this, thank you! I'm thinking the person rummaging through this neat and tidy and very modern swish place is some kind of burglar/spy and the person or couple? who lives there are very successful and very neat - scientists!!!

Take care
x

Carol Kilgore said...

Hmmm. I'm sort of onboard with what the others say, an older widower. I think male because of the sparseness. However, the photo could be his parents. Or maybe he's a hit man and the photo is of his next victim(s). Or he's been sent to rescue those in the photo. I liked your story a lot, but I'm not a fan of second person.

Lydia Kang said...

My first reaction was widower, and it looks like I'm not alone! This is a hard POV to write from. Kudos to you for doing it well!

Hannah Kincade said...

I thought it was good. I didn't even notice the POV until I got to your question! Lol! Good stuff.

The Words Crafter said...

My first reaction was widower, too. Then I thought about the aged letters and photograph. The computer is uber modern....maybe someone a little in the future doing some genealogy research...?

I also thought of Bicentennial Man with Robin Williams....

Jane Kennedy Sutton said...

I enjoyed the description. I’m guessing a middle-aged, successful male writer. His wife couldn’t handle the hours he put in writing and marketing, so she asked him to move out. He’s trying to make a new life for himself, but is finding it difficult.

Hey, this was fun!

Milo James Fowler said...

I think the second person is underrated; I always liked those "choose your own adventure" books when I was kid! I could be waaaay off base here, but is the character a teen snooping around an orphanage? An asylum?
in medias res

Elliot Grace said...

...that one's a challenge, and you knocked it off nicely:) 2nd person is tough!
Well done,
EL

Jules said...

I thought it a wonderful read :)
My guess... a longing lost love.
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

....Petty Witter said...

I think you have done a great job and admire you for trying something different in such a, well, public way.

I also think this is a man, perhaps an ex police officer or some kind of amateur detective.

The Golden Eagle said...

Nancy: I'll have to remember that about repeating words--I do that sometimes, especially if I'm not watching myself closely, even if it's not 2nd person.

KK Brees: Good advice!

Holly: *grins* Well, you'll have to come back Wednesday! I have to say though, you guys are giving me some great ideas about the person . . .

Dominic: I'm glad of that! I wanted to make it as realistic as possible. :)

Oooh, that's an excellent guess. :D

Brian: Thank you! :)

It can be hard to read--but one author who does it well is Charles Benoit, the author of YOU.

Lee: I'll have to try it out again; not for my novel, since the rest of it's in 3rd person, but maybe for another story . . .

L'Aussie: Really?! THANK YOU, thank you! :D I'll be right over to check it out!

Cinette: Thank you, Cinette! :)

Old Kitty: You're welcome! Glad you enjoyed it.

You just gave me an idea I hadn't thought of before . . . LOL. I think my idea of who this/these person(s) are/is is changing as I read the comments.

Carol: It's not usually my cup of tea, either, since there's something almost strange about 2nd person; but I wanted to try it out anyway. I'm glad you like the story, anyway!

The Golden Eagle said...

Lydia: Yup, plenty of commentors think that it's a widower . . . but I'm still not saying anything yet.

Thank you, Lydia!

Hannah: Thanks! :)

The Words Crafter: I haven't heard of Bicentennial Man, although I do know who Robin Williams is--mainly from Night at the Museum. :P

Jane: I'm glad you liked it!

I find it fun, too. Don't forget to check out the other entrants for some more guessing! :)

Milo: I never tried a choose your own adventure book before, but they sound fun!

Interesting idea! I had meant for the perspective to be open to everyone, instead of it being a character, and the focus being on the room itself. But it's another dimension to the story!

Elliot: Thanks, Elliot!

Jules: I'm glad you thought so, Jules! :)

Petty Witter: Thank you! It's a short piece--an experiment, nothing more serious like my novel, and I wanted to try it out.


Oh, this blogfest is officially giving me Shiny New Idea Syndrome, what with you guys all giving me excellent new ideas on this character . . . :P

Jesse N.M. said...

Hi there,

here goes my try....

The door opens, the scent of sandal-wood is present. To the left are two recliners, with easels on top of ottoman's. The heat from fireplace is in front, the lights are warm this night. The Fifty inch television is on college basketball; the sound of fans is medium loud, the floor is solid tyle, the walls are mint green, the room has popcorn; the walls have crosses at each corner, the dream-catcher is on your right shoulders, the laptops are on next to easels. the couch is to the right of the fireplace, the door is behind you. Welcome home.

:)

The Golden Eagle said...

Hi, Jesse! :) Thanks for coming by my blog!

Oh, that's a good one--I'm guessing the someones (more than one chair and ottomans) are artistic, and religious, based on the crosses on the walls; reasonable/high income, since the laptops, 50-inch TV, and fans sound like they're expensive.

Summer Ross said...

I'm late with this blogfest- my entry is up today, I didn't look to see who the person who lives in this room was...but I'm thinking an older man.

I really liked "uber-computer" that made me laugh and the picture part longing to have that kind of happiness was really good.